on my own, here we go

In lieu of anything actually interesting to write, here are a few links to keep you entertained for a few minutes instead:
Summary of 99% of The People You Will Meet In College

Anderson Cooper in the Midst of Looting Chaos

Medical Teams International (where I donated money to help the Haiti rescue efforts)

Gonzaga Law School’s Twitter

Interest in Law Schools Increase (but I read an article elsewhere today that said applications nationwide are currently DOWN…can’t find the stupid article though.)

….& my new favorite song

Oh, Adam Lambert. You are so pretty. So pretty, and so gay. But so right. I think you are outlandish, often obscene, but I’ll give you credit just this once for serenading me with your perfectly-timed lyrics tonight.

Maybe I should explain.

My bummed out frustration tonight is general. It’s been a bummer of a day. Obviously, tragedy struck Haiti, and I feel quite lucky to have the life I have.

That said….

Douchebag McGee #3254235 in my book finally called the other night, around 10:30. I gave him a chance, and he came over. That was stupid on my part, and I’m aware. I had to ask him if he just wanted a piece of ass after he made a move, and boy did he get defensive!

He also hasn’t called me since.

Shocker.

I’m also growing more frustrated with someone else who got his family a little too involved in our past relationship. We are now exceptionally good friends, but apparently I am still “the ex” to his mom.

Never date a guy who values his mother’s opinion more than his own,.

Anyways, his sister’s wedding is at the end of the month, and though he’ll bitch every night about not having a date, he won’t invite me. I’m contemplating my options, and none of them make me happy. He’s always telling me to buck up and put up a fight when others take advantage of me in life.

Old adage, taste of own medicine?

On top of these bummers, I lost a friend permanently to the warmth and sun of Hawaii today, without having the courage to properly say goodbye. It’s also still winter, still raining, and I’m still in law school limbo.

What’s a girl to do? Find a little fake sunlight, never say I’m sorry and live life for myself for once, I suppose.

Watch out.

A friend of mine and I were talking about life and dating at work the other day, and the concept of dating “below” came up. It was actually about one of her interest’s still dating a girl in high school. Granted he’s only 19 himself, but I quickly said “Oh…I know.” 2 ex’s of mine dumped for 19 year olds…girls 5 years younger than me, and worse, 7/8 years younger than THEM.

Guys, it’s time to grow up. We’re adults, this is the big leagues. 19 or 29, grow up. I’ve resigned back to my old checklist, and as dissapointed I am in myself for dating the youngens that won me over for a month or two, I’m excited that I still have it in me. 2 dates in and I’m awaiting the arrival for a third with someone very much playing in the big leagues.

If only if he played on time. Can’t expect too much. Can I?

Good thing that, in the end, I’ve got a laundry list of things I need to do anyways on my own whether or not he ever shows up (or at least calls). I somehow created a new idea for a delicious burger at the bird, and am preparing my submission to corporate this week. (Of course I’m not doing this for shits and giggles - $250 just for getting the recipe to a test kitchen! More money if it ends up on a menu. Wish me luck!) Law schools are taking their sweet time to decide if I am worthy, but the envelopes should start rolling in any day now…as always in life, I’m hoping for a big one. Work work and more work takes all my time, and I’ve less resolved and more committed myself to the gym. Back to 125 or bust! The best feeling is out-doing the other gymmers - it’s a physical and morale booster, and on top of the endorphins it’s one of my new favorite places.

Ah, 40 minutes past ETA and nothing. Shocker. So glad my friend Kristy bought me a bottle of wine for Christmas, just now delivered! I’ll give it 20 - then it’s time to break out the unfinished high school scrapbook and get something done!

In the big leagues, men are good at two things: handiwork, and breaking hearts. Those of us women playing need to learn the same, apparently.

So what happens when you decide to give it one more chance? To throw it all aside, and decide that maybe, just maybe, someone getting a college education with goals and a Southern charm could be different?

They ditch you in the rain at 2 a.m.

See, I’ve dated two guys from work prior. And both times it ended in a terrible, complete disaster. One dragged out for almost 4 months. The other cheated on me, and I have no solid proof. But I’m not an idiot. And this guy….this guy took a liking to me. And despite all the words of caution - mostly from my best friend who is right 101% of the time - I thought I could risk it.

Wrong.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Do it a third time, now I have a bad habit.

What developed from a phone call that we weren’t going to see each other until sometime next year ended up “Meet me at a bar”. Soon into that he ignored me and his friends called me out on me “having a thing for him”….very opposite of the real situation, at least from the beginning. Upset at the obvious locker room talk and that everyone was drinking AGAIN, including the person of interest who said he didn’t drink much, I stepped back…and they all decided to after-party. I was not invited, and ditched on the sidewalk because they didn’t pay their tab and had to dine and dash.

Classy, I know.

So in the end, I’m now home, fuming and muttering bad things, picking up my phone and setting it back down, knowing nothing is going to be said anymore, but really, this was the ending from the start. This is the destiny at the dirty bird unless you get knocked up. Or unless you date me, because then you marry the next girl you date.

That’s my mantra. I am The One Before the One.

….I told my friend this, a friend that I sorta kinda dated on and off last winter. I’m not sure what that kickstarted in his brain, but he has a relationship on the brain for the first time, and very recently. I’ll reserve any comparative emotions, but I’ve been much more inclined to spend time with this person: he actually responds to my texts, and takes me out on legitimate dates. Perhaps this is a sign?

But really, the best omen of the next year: I will be ringing in the new year working until midnight. Making good money, but working. On my feet, in heels.

It’s time to grow up.

I’ve laughed a lot in the last few days. Mostly at others’ expenses. Laughed at emails posted on office doors, laughed at drunk one night stands, and laughed at failed relationships that result in progressions in my own. And laughter really is the best medicine, especially considering how absolutely miserable I was just a few days ago.

Last night was a good night. I had a margarita and a half, clearly supporting the drinking habits of the aged and underaged alike more than my own. A few hours of rockband and a drive into and back from the abyss that is the depths beyond the suburbs of Seattle, somehow it ended up being 4am. If you’re up at 4am and not crying, it’s always a good night.

And I still was awoken by the weekly Wednesday yard crew at 9am. Very glad I am on vacation for three days.

Which gives me time to think about the next year. I’ve settled on a resolution, and resolved to learn how to bake/cook. You see, I can’t cook. I burn water. Once, I was attempting macaroni and cheese….yes, mac and cheese…in my college apartment, and completely forgot about it. About an hour later the smoke alarm goes off while I was studying, and I realize the apartment is filled with smoke. The water was gone, the macaroni had burned.

….I can’t cook.

My mom has offered to teach me, and I’ve found a class at the local community college if I managed to ever find an extra $300.

Speaking of which, my tax return is going to be a treat this year. But suddenly, I really don’t want to spend it on a cooking class. A ferry trip to my parents, yes. A class to learn how to cook shrimp? I can’t justify it.

Could you?

Oh, John Mayer, you get me every time. Spot on, and for no particular reason, and for no particular person.

Not to deny I’m a little heartbroken over a specific person. I swear, I did not expect this. I did not expect that when Cam comes into the restaurant to eat dinner with his friends, and inadvertently sits in my section, I’d be sad to see him. But I was. You would also not think that when another waitress hits on him while he is there for an hour and a half, I would get upset. But I was.

There is some loss in all of this, something I don’t have when he doesn’t text me back, something I can’t grasp when he’s no longer here with me in my apartment every night of every week of every month. It’s this tinge of “who is he with?” - “is he with…her now??”.

That, and having to wait on your exboyfriend just fucking sucks.

Luckily, I’m distracted for much of the rest of my life to not notice or realize this makes me sad. Airborne Toxic Event was amazing (though my minicard gave up on me and I have no video to prove it). The rest of work is….ok. I’m counting down the days until I can do something else with my life, but I don’t know what that will be. Calculating the cost of pursuing a career in law as an attorney is discouraging, but seeing the glass ceiling of a career as a paralegal is just depressing. That said, my days at the bird are numbered. I gave myself a deadline of August 2010 to figure it out…that’s enough time, right?

I’m very much looking forward to the rest of this year; a few holiday parties, time with my family, and celebrating new years with a few good friends while working at the casino. The next few weeks should actually be very quiet, which should be very nice. I feel as if I’ve run out of patience for the bullshit, especially considering the tragedies in the dating and social scene this year and the last.

Which reminds me. It’s about time to start those resolutions! What will I change next year?

Last week was a difficult week for me. I had been diagnosed with hypothyrodism a few weeks ago, and we started me on generic Synthroid to lower my TSH levels a little bit. My mistake was jumping on the “yay! I’ll lose weight!” train without researching side effects. This resulted in a horrible bout of depression, and I was sad for a few weeks.

During this time, thanksgiving came and went, and of course, the holidays started.

This means that we changed our soundtrack at work. I happened to hear a song play that invoked some strong feelings (which wasn’t helped by the horrible sadness I was feelings) and I couldn’t place where I heard it.

During this time, Cam and I happened to have our differences and I broke up with him. I have been relatively OK with it, at least until today, when I very much missed him…us girls, we think with our hearts. I saw him at work for a bit today, but the song was playing when I went into the bathroom to get ready for my shift just moments after I talked to him, and I lost it. Just started crying.

And I still didn’t know where I heard this song before.

After much googling and a sudden “A-HA!” moment, I figured out it was Winter Song by Sara Bareilles.

I discovered the song last year around this time, when I was very sad for much different reasons, and it was my myspace song (when I still had a myspace) for much of winter. This makes me feel much better, more because I know I’m not crazy for crying to a completely random song at work.

On the upside, Cam texted me and said I looked pretty today. Clearly, crying brings out the best of my eyes.

On the downside, I am thinking with my heart. A good friend said tonight, more or less verbatim, not to be a “fucking retard” and to start using my brain.

What?

He has a point.

It’s currently 24 degrees in Seattle, and if I were in Wisconsin, I may appreciate that warmth. It’s double digits, and it’s dry. Well, for now. On both. In the next three days, it may be dipping down to near 0’s, and we may see snow. This would also work well in Wisconsin, but we have hills. And usually rain.

The thing is, it doesn’t look that cold. It actually looks pleasant, and somewhere I’d want to be right now. I took the ferry to my parents tonight to discuss life, and happened to catch the sunset.
.

Ok, it looks a little cold. It’s missing that warm glow I’d like to see in, oh July…and the snow reflecting on the mountains reminds everyone that it is a little chilly. Like, really chilly.

So about that life. Work at Red Robin is slow. The economy sucks (in case you are living under a rock) and I’ve had to get a second job at a coffee stand, which is also slow. But back to Red Robin. We are bored. I walked into work the other day to find us completely empty. Ok, there may have been 2 or 3 tables TOTAL…which just means that, aside from cleaning an already clean restaurant, there is nothing to do. Especially for the cooks. They took this time to fine tune the artistic side of their cooking skills.

The only thing that really disturbs me is they get paid the same thing for screwing around and making art from food. I get paid $0 when we are that slow. (OK, I get paid minimum wage. Let’s not get technical though.)

The upside to being slow and having my hours cutback on the schedule? Days off. I don’t know how to handle days off, so when I’m forced to take out of town roadtrips I can’t help but get a little excited. My friend and I are driving down for the day to see The Airborne Toxic Event, who are opening for the Bravery in Portland. If you don’t know who they are, they are phenomenal.

The roadtrip will be a good distraction that it is, in fact, a day off, and that I am in, fact, broke. So broke I was behind payment on one of my credit cards. Not that it’s my fault…Chase Bank kinda sucks. I tried to work it out with them, and they told me to go f* myself, and so I just ignored them entirely. 30 days late turned into 60, and I haven’t heard from them in months. So I was bored today, and go onto transunion to check my credit report.

…and my card is closed.. This is after they reduced my limit from 5k to 500, and I was overbalance immediately, mind you.

In other news, my life is turning into a perpetual episode of Friends (except the walk across the hall would be across the complex) & I should really ensure that when my ex stops by to pick up all his things, he leaves with all his things.

And doesn’t take my heart with him instead.

…it pours. I really should have reconsidered “publishing” my “status” change on facebook. Within 24 hours of being “officially” single (because it’s not official until it’s on facebook) I have been literally bombarded with IMs and texts from long lost “friends”.

That’s right. It’s in quotes.

Being 20something and single gives a woman somewhat of a power. Ok, I have all the power. And while I’m nearly 25 and have big dreams of white dresses and diamond rings, I’m not getting married tomorrow. Or this year. Or next year. So this is my chance to enjoy my life.

MY life. No more live in boyfriends stealing my bed (and laundry detergent.) I get to watch Gossip Girl, not UFC cagefighting crap. I will eat veggie burgers, and not McDonald’s. I will go to bed when I want, and I will sleep throughout the night - no snoring waking me up at 3am. I will dress for the world, not for one guy. And for the record, I will not smoke pot because it’s “what we do”.

This does mean, of course, it is my social life. The holidays will be filled with sweater parties and Santa photos, and I cannot be fresh on the market without a trip to Portland for a concert (though this time, it is very impromptu.) It will be so nice not to answer to anyone. This will be the first time since…2003?

Six to Seven years and this is the first day I want to be alone. What’s even better is I want to be alone tomorrow, too. Well, aside from my “date”.

I told you, it was pouring.

…..It might even be storming, considering this “date” is a strange concoction of unresolved tension stemming from a seven year friendship, evolved from a 6 month fight that was discussed after coffee tonight.

I think we should rent “When Harry Met Sally” .